Douleur · Calmo

"boundaries don't keep people out, they fence you in. you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. but there are some lines that are too dangerous to cross. here's what i know, if your willing to take the chance, the view from the other side is spectacular" - excerpt from Grey's Anatomy

chasing that someone, that something, that which eludes me at every corner. i think i am running away from myself, i don't know who i am. i'm out of touch with maself. vina who?

sometimes when you want to know the truth, you have to take a leap of faith. unresolved issues hamper my life from continuing, normally. whatever normal means anyway. if i can't handle the truth, should i inquire the question most asked?

SING LIKE THERE'S NOBODY'S LISTENING!
LOVE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN HURT BEFORE!
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY...
LIVE LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW!

everybody's got a hold on hope, and it's the last thing that's holding me. hope is ALLAH, trust in myself is trust in ALLAH, to be able to give my heart to somebody is to give my heart to ALLAH, to sacrifice all i've got because i do it willingly for ALLAH. repent, if i can willingly initiate the start of my road to repentance, then all my sins which i commit so freely daily will be completely erased. one can only wish, but this time, it is a wish, a dream, a chimera that can only be realized, by me. i hold the key to my ultimate fantasy. it's not that easy. it's like how it's easier to be bad than good, and easier to be lazy than to be, not lazy. i've been offered a once in a lifetime chance at erasing all my sins and escape hellfire and eternal damnation, why won't i take it then! too much work... too much work....

i'm sinfully lazy and the price is too much for me to handle. each time i try to repent, i struggle at it, and then i fall, again.

...your angelic name my lips have spoken, your love my heart's affectionate token, now my soul you have cruelly forsaken, with a whispered promise that you had intentionally broken...baby i wanted the stars but i couldn't reach it, i wanted the moon but i could not see it, i wanted you but you didn't admit it, so now i'm alone again, so be it. time is the great healer.

and soon it will be all over what are you gonna do are you gonna run and hide for cover is it because you can? why are you so cowardly, don't you know that you can change your life with your point of view, perception is key. it is the key. don't you know that you can be anything you wanna be. it's not so cliche all the words i'm churning hard to face the truth ain't it cos you deny everything and it turns you into a monster now you're a monster now living with life one eye closed. you're near to the end but you can't smell the flames.

from the worst things i have done to the best things i wanna do, how do i get away from that and reach where i am supposed to? what does my need for instant gratification do to me in the end? i have searched everywhere for answers and now i'm waiting for destiny to tap me on the shoulder. with more options, opens doors to more desires, more cravings, and if i fall, will i fall into a pocket of sin? a sin pocket that will trap me in there like a forgotten picture in a locket? i have to remember the person i wanted to be. losing my way may be the cruelest of fate, but it's the journey that will teach me, lest i reach the destination with a closed heart and no knowledge of the lessons that have befallen me. i can either lose my heart's desire to persevere or gain something much more wonderful, much more greater than anything i had ever imagine. the power of life, the reason to live, the courage to find the definition of being a human being on God's amazing creation called earth.

i won't let them get me. i'm too strong for that. though my present state rejects that.

if you take shortcuts, you'll be cut short. working hard does have it's paybacks. what you receive as a reward for all that hard work, may it be monetary gain or spiritual growth, will be in direct proportion to the effort you put in. - as what i thought i heard on MTV. makes sense though.

people come into our lives for all sorts of reasons, even though most of the time i was not privy to the reason. maybe someday down the road i'll understand. otherwise the lessons they've given me will be all for naught. the hurt...the pain...the love...the joy! oh crimeny my life can be so sappy sometimes.

it is not our abilities that determine who we are, but it is our choices. i've made, let me see, i've made...more than enough bad choices to be written off as the worst choice-maker in the world.

i've made the choice now to leave, and i suppose it may be the best choice i've made in years. so maybe i'm not that bad at making certain choices after all. but my choice comes at a price. oh boy, i'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when i'll be back again.

but before i start dreaming of my new life, i've got to get my head outta the clouds and work work work work work. never thought i'd ever say that i like to work, well only cos there's a pot of a meagre amount of money at the end of the rainbow. and it fills my time that i could have spent wasting on bingeing and turning looney from all that alone time. solitude does not work with me, especially if it's on an extended period of time.

not enough time. i'm tired. gotta sleep. been sleeping late cos i've been alone at night in the house the past two nights. was too afraid to sleep so slept at 5AM with the lights on. i'm not that scared, but it was just cos i was thinking too much about the mysterious enigmas who inhabit my house. well that's over cos my Dad's home tonight. i'll be sleeping well. early and well so i won't be late AGAIN for work in the morning.

snore.

the heart is the place of intention. intention to do good and also intention to do evil. we were given the ability to choose. and yet we choose to make the same mistakes over and over again. i'm amazed we aren't tired replaying our mistakes.

i'm amazed that im still alive and somewhat almost mentally balanced after all my massive fumbling and incalculable errors that have streaked my existence.

i was just reading what i wrote online about what happenened between Iskandar and myself when we broke up last year, and damn, he was cruel! sunggun kejam! maybe due to my short term memory and extreme kindness in the wrong situations, i have chosen to duly forgive him (though i've a feeling he thinks that he doesn't need to be forgiven as thinks he made no error in our 7 month relationship. men! gotta give em points for being daft and unassuming about their plain stupidity. well not all men, maybe just 99.99% of the male population. i'm just telling it like it is.) so after forgiving him and still being nice he still wants to be cruel by announcing his engagement to me. like i care, well i do, cos i wonder which super super idiot would want to marry him. well, im sure there are many idiots out there who would want to marry him. he's an jackhole with a really bad temper. eat my dust baby!

i don't love you, i don't think i ever did, i just loved the way you loved me, i loved the memories we made, i loved everything, but baby, i don't love you. and i'll be more than happy if you said you don't love me too. ohhh so twistedly romantic baby!

so as i was saying, he's cruel, fullstop

and to believe i wanted him back! i was too blinded by my need to be nice and forgiving. anyways, what's in the past will remain in the past and most probably scattered all over my blogs. i'll forget the past and make a new future, i'll accidentally knock him over with my car (or future car) and go... Ooops, your cazzo is too small i didn't see you there. sowwie! and i'll smile watching him drag his jackhole self home all bloody and limping.

why am i being cruel now? it's the hour to be cruel i guess. ok, on to other news in my ever extremely fascinating and interesting life. !!!overstatement of the year alert!!!

i'm trying trying trying God Willing to save money and to GO somewhere! Go where? go down or up i spose. down being somewhere down to oceania or up somewhere to europa. whichever seems more appealing at the point when i am loaded with cash that I WORKED HARD FOR!

i hope that Mr Donkey knows that waiting for him is a kind of sorrow. the waiting started out hopeful then slowly it diminished in capacity till there was nothing left but sorrow. a kind of sweet sorrow dashed with little bits of hope here and there.

baby, i'm ready to retire now and enjoy a life of leisure with you! but you only create hope for me so that you can kill it again and again and again. why are you so cruel baby? and why am i sadistic enough to return again and again and again?

is it all a question of faith? but faith is nothing until it is tested baby. i wasted that one chance at happiness when you gave me a chance to go there, but now it's in my hands. happiness lies within me, I CAN DO IT!

now i can also go to sleep because work will beckon for me come dawn.

"Turn your fear into strength, accept rejection and pain as a natural consequence for daring to achieve your dreams." Some wise words from a men's magazine.

It's been lazy days. Lazy days working and just lazying around in the house. Too many dreams to accomplish in too little time to realise that it may be anything but too impossible to achieve.

But I think that DREAMS do come true. Love is real! It's not fake. He has returned once again on his white horse, but this time in his hot new super hot Ducati. And instead of being clad in the medievel chivalrous costume, he is clad in a.... i don't know what u call it, those fire retardant, oh so sexy skin tight suits that those biking daredevils use. Damn that's hot.

Whenever he comes back, I ask myself, when is he gonna leave again. Cos that's what he does. He comes and he goes. And everytime I tell myself, it's gonna be different. Until the point that he leaves again, sometimes I don't even realise he's gone. Though he says he thinks about me ALL THE TIME. It doesn't move me much, though I appreciate being on his mind all of the time. But somehow running through his mind all the time doesn't quite cut it. I'd rather he do something about it. April 2006 will be 7 years. Too long to handle. But I promised him that I would pay for the ride and once and for all, and again, I will prove that fear has no boundaries when it comes to me and him and that love, yes, love! will prevail yet again in the story of Mr & Mrs Donkey. It's a short leash I'm pulling on but I'm gonna go for it anyway.

the deep winter has engulfed me, yet again! im packing on the pounds not only the winter wear to keep me from the cold. it's been many short days now, i've begun to lose count. short days which make even longer nights pondering on the past and things that should've happened, but didnt. spring will come and soon summer will fall. all the seeds i've sown will bear fruit soon, so i will wait patiently, because patience is the key to contenment - Prophet Muhammad (pbuh).

i realised, it takes two to make a relationship go wrong. and it takes just one to make it all better. but if the other won't bend, then, i guess, sometimes people find it hard, to see things rationally and do the right thing. maybe the wrong thing seems so right, we make ourselves believe it, just so that we can sleep peacefully at night.

i miss michele. he said he'd call. i've been waiting, still waiting his call. said he'd call next week. he still has faith in us. do i have faith in him? even after i told him we should just let go of each other, he still holds so much trust in us.

i can't wait to get that new job and save money. and till then i'm waiting fervently for the outcome of my visa and sponsorship. i hope everythings pulls through. it's an idea, it's a way that will solve things for myself and for my family. in the love deparment and socialising more with people from a new place, well, that will come to and we'll see if things work out there too.

sometimes we think we have control over the events in our lives. yes, sometimes we do. cos most of the time, we caused the events to happen. the good, the bad and the ugly, is from what we have earned. we complain and moan in our misfortune, asking God, why why why are you doing this to me? what have i done to deserve this? oh we have committed so many sins yet we still ask why misfortune befalls us. then should we do the same when good things come our way? cry and scream at God asking him why why why are all these good things happening to us? sometimes accepting the adversities is the hardest thing to do. and sometimes we don't know, that accepting the bad things that happen to us and looking up and learning from our past errors, might just do the trick, at getting us to find the peace we so much long for in our lives.

where has the simple life gone? where has the love for the most important things in life gone? they've been overtaken by our love for material goods, wealth, the perfect career, being liked by everyone and looking perfect, just like in the magazines and in the movies. how come we've begun to accept the fake as something real? but do we feel any better inside when we've accomplished all these feats? at the price of losing those we hold so dear. our families, friends, lovers? and at the price of forgetting our traditions, moral values and just being a normal human being? sometimes we forget who we are in our search for what we can become. after all we have accomplished, are we truly happy with what we have become?

i've said before, we're all dying of the same disease. ignorance. pride. greed. we've been contaminated by our undying need for more more more! we've been infected with a disease of our own making. again, at what price do we sacrifice everything for?

sometimes you gotta know when to look down. when you feel your life sucks, look down at those who have nothing but the shirt on their backs. and when you need to make a leap of change, don't look down, just jump and you will find that you will land steady on your own two feet. it's a matter of choices, which one will yours be?

if you take a chance, either something good will happen or something bad will happen. but if you don't, nothing will happen. so am i the risk taker? well, i'm not big on taking risks. but sometimes when i do, i realise, heck, it ain't that bad.

so am i crazy for not taking risks? or am i crazy for taking risks? i suppose everybody can look crazy in the right circumstances. it all depends on how you see it.

even if we do indulge ourselves in a little risk here and there from time to time, it doesn't change who we really are inside. cos we always remain the person we've been. inside an old man exists a little boy. the same old man who climbed trees and fractured his leg when he was a little kid, the same old man who fell in love at 17 and went on to marry and have his own kids. and the same person who went on to lead a happy life.

well that old man is sure lucky! cos that kind of luck doesn't exist anymore in this day and age. i suppose you'd be lucky just to be happy with what you have. which is also a rare thing these days. who can say they're actually happy with what they have. i'm sure there's more that we want. a new digital camera, that sleek new mobile, a boyfriend or a girlfriend, emotional stability!! and the list just goes on.

so many things we want we desire we crave. but time surely is not on our side. a french man once said, it's not minutes that pass, it's your life. and the minutes you lost, cannot be found again. wise wise words.

again it's all a matter of perception.
the biggest form of deception.
cos what you see is not always what you get.
and before you know it, you're already dead.

What you need to know about the past
is that no matter what has happened,
it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment.
And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new.
Right now.

Once the realization is accepted
that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue,
a wonderful living side by side can grow,
if they succeed in loving the distance between them
which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.

-Rainer Maria Rilke

it was official, a new season had begun. maybe our mistakes are what make our fate, without them, what would shape our lives? perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love or have babies or be who we are. after all, seasons change, so do cities, people come into your life and people go. but it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart, and if you're lucky, a plane ride away.

- Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah J Parker) Season 4 Episode 18, I Heart NY

what do you think you now about life when it stares you in the face?

embarking on a journey to reach an ideal place in your life without any interference. and when something does interfere everything crumbles faster than a building set off with explosives.

you start to think think back on all the moments where everything seemed so perfect. that's the thing about perfection, it only lasts a moment. i read this somewhere, and yes, it makes perfect sense, if only for a moment.

anyways, you start to reminisce on things that have happened, things that have been said, good times, happy memories... and then .. and then they say something or do something totally out of character, but yet, deep inside you, you totally expected.

because when the desires of the flesh are aroused, there is no turning back. the urge the drive the hunger the lust the passion the yearning to do it again is simply, too hard to ignore. and you approach it like a ravenous wolf... voraciously you attack at each other to have that feeling of inner gratification as well as outer pleasure, your senses on overdrive.

bottomline.. it should've been an itch that you shouldn't have been scratched. cos now that you've gone and pecked at it, the chicken won't stop looking for worms. drats! it's all my fault, i shouldn't have given in to temptation. now looks like that's all he wants. and no matter how sad it is... looking back on all the times he's been so good kind and caring and those rare moments, oh so loving.

i know i should give him the benefit of the doubt, but that's it. that's all he's gonna get. i'm not sad. the situation is sad. but i didn't make him that way. i don't like a lot of mess in my life, so getting rid of the things or the people that cause the mess, then i'll be one step closer to achieving what i want to achieve.

i jus opened a door that was always there. now the problem is he won't shut it.

There is nothing more fascinating on earth than the human face the lines and the feel that bombard you with a million emotions I miss the friendly absence he has on me the kinetic energy that used to fly across the room like sparks of gold and waves of silver my comatose body on the bed liberates his mind and he cannot believe how I make him feel that similar terrified funny anatomy of grief that distressing look on his face like as the world ripped his heart out with a spoon he stands there being ravaged by life being ravaged by my eyes he always told me to leave room for the unexpected and that was what he got from me nothing more nothing less between the darkness and light I showed him where I stood in between where no one could see the gray everyone was too blind to notice except me and him only when I allowed it suddenly he moved and my chest heaved from my comatose state and we rendered ourselves present in the moment the double exposure of the gray state almost allowed the light to get in I told him we have to sell the illusion of our beings at its natural state to make people believe we weren't narcissistic because between the love and madness that we share when he stands before me lies the true obession when he whispered into my unconscious soul I'd give anything for another feel of you

In you I found how to be happy in you I found how to be sad but would I have jumped at any person who dangled love at me and promised the world to me How can I discriminate between reality and blind faith My eyes like two empty pot holes on my barren face Why won't I move on I've been a resident of my past for far too long living in yesterday like it was in style

We fight we laugh we cry we two shadows dancing across the wall we two figures gyrating our hips to the beat of our hearts on cold lonely nights we solemn victims of the massive emotional war we wage on ourselves everyday we letting ourselves enter a hope that doesn't exist In the end what is the price we should pay for love

I never thought I'd wish to die until I realised what my life was worth I'd like to say I worked hard to get to somewhere but I didn't I didn't try hard enough so now I have failed Have you tasted failure in its weakest moments It's like being slashed across the neck at first you don't realise it but then the distressing feeling of your life slowly disappearing hits you and you begin to understand what failure tastes like bitter yet soothing your whole being on fire

this is how it happens again. the heart. the seat of man's love for God. infected. poisoned. the heart, penetrated by Beelzbub's eternal whisperings of evil. one breath and you fall. you become the fallen one. how do you save yourself when you fall.

slow down my bleeding heart. one day at a time. that's all it takes. then it's been one day too many i've taken. i'm running out of days. it's close to end of days...

they corrupt. they infiltrate. they condition. they take control. a false religion based on a belief that isn't meant to be understood, but you understand it, because you believe. because you are a believer. you watch every move they take, hang on ever word they make. they weave a web of hope and redemption. and you believe in the false prophet. you dangle on his every breath, waiting for what comes next. and what does come next is utopia. the garden of eden. paradise. and behind that false facade lies in wait for you a fire like no other. a fire to consume you, blazing through every atom of your body, you die over and over again because you chose to drink from the cup of the Prince of Hades himself.

ahh, the horror that will come, when man is forced to choose between what he has been accustomed to versus what he has been taught, what he has learned and that which will verily test his ultimate faith to the Almighty.

certainly the time draws near. truly, i am not ready. verily i seek His help. God give me the strength to reflect you in my heart and my actions and my words... encompass me. God when the time comes for me to choose, help me attack them and draw me to the right path. for Allah knows best, always.

"The heart, in its journey to Allah(swt), Majestic is He, is like that of a bird; Love is its head, and fear and hope are its two wings. When the head and two wings are sound, the bird flies gracefully; if the head is severed, the bird dies; if the bird loses one of its wings, it then becomes a target for every hunter or predator" - Imaam Ibn al-Qayyim

As Allah says in the Holy Quran in surah Isra, chapter 70, verse 81, "when truth is hurled against falsehood, falsehood perishes for falsehood is by it's nature bound to perish".

Think not that Allah doth not heed the deeds of those who do wrong. He but giveth them respite against a Day when the eyes will fixedly stare in horror.

Remember my fellow Muslims!
1) This is a world of tests. It is a world to strive against adversities and the test is of our Iman and faith.
2) The tests vary from health, wealth, life, pain, family, children etc.
3) No human is burdened or tested worse than what he can bear. Allah’s principal is that Allah does not burden a soul but according to its ability.
4) It is true that every person does not have the solution to his problems, but this does not mean that there is no solution to any problem.

When we have firm belief that all conditions good or bad are from Allah, and we are afflicted, we should say Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji’oon- Verily we are from Allah and to him is our return.

We should also understand that we are living in a world of means. Adopt means to address your problems. Also consult with suitable people and seek their assistance. It is Allah that puts effect in these means. If the means are successful, praise Allah. If they are not successful, again praise Allah. Know well, there is some good in that too. Have your gaze and trust on Allah and continue your efforts. Never give up. Be most assured that you are being rewarded for every effort.

On death and depression

It is not permissible to wish and hope for death due to worldly problems. Seek refuge in patience and salat. This is a prescription from Allah himself. This is abdiyyat and submission to the will of Allah.

And Allah Knows Best!! For those who plan evil deeds and schemes, know also that Allah plans, and Allah plans the best.

Whatever Allah Ta'ala decides will happen. We have to have faith in Tafweez (resigning oneself to the decision of Allah) and Taqdeer (predestination).

This is the solution to all our anxieties, depression and worries. As the servants and slaves of Allah, we should understand that our Master will grant to us only that which is good for us. Our duty and endeavour is that we supplicate and ask Allah, then make the correct Tadbeer (effort) and thereafter leave the final decision to Allah Ta'ala. this brings peace,
contentment and happiness into one's heart.

A prayer for depression

After every fard salaah, place your right hand on your forehead and read, "Allahumma inni- a'oozoobika hammi-wal-huzni." (one is asking Allah Ta'ala for protection from worry and depression)

Recite a lot of Istighfaar. Rasulullah [sallallaahu alayhi wasallam] is reported to have said, ‘Istighfaar is effective in removing worries and distress’.

Allah knows best, so do not forsake Him.

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room. Instead the angels were given a space in the cold basement. As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied..."Things aren't always what they seem".The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.

The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel "how could you have let this happen!? The first man had everything, yet you helped him," she accused. "The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let their cow die."

"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it. Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave her the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem."

Sometimes this is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You might not know it until some time later.

Think about this:

Should you find it hard to get to sleep tonight; Just remember the homeless family who has no bed to lie in.

Should you find yourself stuck in traffic; don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for the last three months.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week, for $15.00 to feed her family.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking "what is my purpose"; Be thankful, there are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!

Should you decide to send this to a friend; You might brighten someone's day!

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows will fall behind you.

you're in the middle of a white room with two doors. one reads DO NOT ENTER, so you're a good person, you're not going to enter. the other door reads, DO NOT EXIT. so being the person you are, you don't exit through that door. so you sit on the white chair in the middle of the white room. there's really nothing much you can do.

(i heard this on tv)

it's like a nightmare really. it's a situation where neither way is possible. so you have to choose, THE LESSER OF TWO EVILS and you've got to PICK YOUR POISON before you just go crazy sitting in that white room. either way it's not gonna be pleasant.

-----------------------------------
You DO know what would have happened
if it had been three
wise WOMEN
instead of 3 wise men, don't you?

They would have asked for directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole,
and brought disposable diapers as a gift.
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TEN REASONS WHY I NEVER WASH (maybe that's why u smell u idiot)

Though I attend church faithfully, I never wash. Here are my reasons:

1. My mother made me wash as a child.
2. The soap makers only want my money.
3. There are so many different kinds of soap, I could never decide which one was right.
4. I used to wash, but it got boring, so I quit.
5. I do wash on special days like Easter and Christmas.
6. I work hard all week and am too tired to take a bath on the weekend.
7. People who wash are hypocrites. They think they are cleaner than other people.
8. I get along very well without washing.
9. Hardly any friends I have, wash.
10. I'm still young. When I get older and dirtier I may wash."
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i remember reading this when i was younger, hilarious.

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

this one i see as being very much like how i see fate and things that happen to me. do you see any truth in it in your life?

The Story Of Mulla Nasrudin And Assumptions

A certain man asked the famous Mulla Nasrudin, "What is the meaning of fate, Mulla?"

Mulla replied, "Assumptions."

"In what way?" the man asked again.

Mulla looked at him and said, "You assume things are going to go well, and they don't - that you call bad luck. You assume things are going to go badly and they don't - that you call good luck. You assume that certain things are going to happen or not happen - and you so lack intuition that you don't know what is going to happen. You assume that the future is unknown. When you are caught out - you call that Fate."

this one i like, jus cos i like it. long but worth the read, smell on ...

Nasrudin the Hoja - A Dinner of Smells

Nasrudin the Hoja (or teacher) is a well-known and much-loved
folk hero throughout the Muslim world. Sometimes he seems foolish, but
really he is wise. Stories like this one are told from China to
Africa, and beyond.

Once, long ago, a very fine and expensive restaurant stood
on a busy street in a bustling market town.
One day, a poor man passed by this restaurant. He was
tired and hungry, for he had had nothing to eat all day. His
nostrils caught the smell of the delicious food being cooked
inside. He stopped and sniffed, smiled sadly, and began to
walk away.

But he did not get far. The owner of the restaurant came
storming out into the street.
"Come here!" he bellowed. "I saw that! You took the smell
of my food, and you'll have to pay for it!"
The poor man did not know what to do.
"I cannot pay!" he stammered. "I have no money!"
"No money!" shouted the restaurant owner. "We'll see
about that! You're coming with me to the Qadi!
A Qadi is a judge in a Muslim court. Naturally, he is very
powerful, and the poor man was frightened.
"Hmm," said the Qadi, when he had heard the story.
"Well, this is an unusual case. Let me think. Come back
tomorrow, and I'll pronounce the sentence."
What could the poor man do? He knew whatever sum
the Qadi demanded, payment would be impossible.

All night long he tossed and turned, unable to sleep for
worry. When dawn came he said his prayers and, tired and
dejected, made his way to the Qadi's court.
As he passed the mosque he spotted a familiar figure --
Nasrudin the Hoja. Suddenly, his heart lifted. For he knew
that Nasrudin was a clever man, who was sure to be able to
think of a way around the problem. He poured out his story,
and Nasrudin agreed to come to the court and speak for him.
The rich restaurant owner was already at the court,
chatting with the Qadi. The poor man saw that they were
friends, and feared the judgment would go against him.

He was right. The Qadi began heaping insults upon the
poor man as soon as he saw him, and ordered him to pay a
very large sum of money.

At once, Nasrudin stepped forward.
"My lord," he said to the Qadi. "This man is my brother.
Allow me to pay in his place."

Then the mullah took a small bag of coins from his belt an
held it next to the rich man's ear. He shook the bag, so that
the coins jingled.

"Can you hear that?" asked Nasrudin.
"Of course," the man replied, impatiently.

"Well, that is your payment," said the mullah. "My brother
has smelled your food, and you have heard his money. The
debt is paid."
And, in the face of such argument, the case was settled and
the poor man went free.

i've been ignoring a couple of people. not on purpose though. just want to be alone. plus i have no money, yet! so that's one of the main reasons. i want to be financially stable, emotionally aligned, physically proportioned! before i step out into the world of social interaction! well if i'm going to wait till i accomplish all three, i suppose i'll be staying in a lot.

to Liza
-i know i have not been talking to you much. when you told me you and Halim were together, (at last! i knew you would become a couple sooner or later!) i was very happy for you, and deep deep down inside, more envious than jealous. the thoughts of, why not me? why not me and Hakim? kept haunting me. so there you go. i'm a little girl jealous of a good friend who has a boyfriend. doesn't make sense? it does, i guess to a certain degree. i love you so much Liza. you've done for me a lot. how can i repay all your kindness. please do not mistake my absence as a sign of me being ungrateful to all you've done for me. the gift you made for me, when i fell apart on that day in July still hangs on the corner of my bed. the words +BECAUSE YOU ARE PRECIOUS+ will resonate through my mind always. and i know it's because of you. sweetheart, when i get everything in order, we'll meet up. you, me and sofia.. jus like we used to.

i know you too have problems, jus like myself, but you're strong, very strong. stronger than you know. hit em head on and leave your tracks behind. so whoever pisses u off will know who they're dealing with!

i wish you all the best with Halim. he is a good guy. very respectable person and the both of you can achieve so much together. muaaahhh love you Liza!

to Shidy
-i know you're reading this. while others read the morning paper, you take it upon yourself to read blogs. i guess what goes on in people's lives are more important than what goes on in the world. haha.

anyway, i wanted to let you know that, though it is a fact that you have a couple of screws loose in your head, it doesn't mean you're gonna be crazy for the rest of your life. i guess that's what makes you unique. that's what makes Shidy incredibly fun, honest, giving, loving, kind.. and sometimes scary, circa that night in the park where you took a nap, a long nap, then woke up and did that scary thing with your eyes. a sight i might never forget. bloodshot eyes, with pupils nowhere to be seen!

so, though we may never be, something more than what we are now, do not assume that we won't be friends, forever. let people talk. it's my mistake for getting all defensive. cos, like i said, i felt the guilt. so now, it's a new page. a new beginning. i admire your bravery and willingness in seeking professional help in your problems. though the doctor will only tell you things you already know. but sometimes its good to have outside help. someone who doesn't know you to offer you, the right amount of advice, at the right time.

you need to find your centre. your emotional centre. you've got to align your heart to your head. that's why you always get stomach aches. cos your heart and head aren't aligned proper! hahaha. i hope u get that joke.

i too am on the path of, finding the truth... don't know if i'm even halfway there. i just don't want to see you forget God. maybe, cos, i feel like i'm forgetting him by not doing the 5 obligatory daily prayers...

so that's about it. leave the past behind. cos you live too much in it. just like i do. it's not good. the past is over. it's not going to come alive again. forge a new start, for yourself. love you.

i like to dwell. dwell on the past the people the perceptions.

i am beaten to a pulp by my past. by my yesterday. i know, in time, time will diminish the presence of the hurt, only to a certain degree. a degree out of 360.

its funny how things never really turn out the way you envision them. always expect the unexpected. sometimes you get stuck in a rut for too long, you find out it's become and abyss. one you can't climb out of.

sometimes i wonder, are you afraid to face me? afraid that there's nothing there? nothing there that you can see.. nothing that you can hold onto. is that why you always go away.... and come back. i'm not enough... or do you think you're not good enough?

i lose myself in a tear drop
cascading down the flesh mountain
beckoning to be released from the bubble
in despair i find solace
and i'm afraid that when sadness is gone
i'll be left empty
nothing filling me up
nothing taking control
and i might allow insanity to swallow me
so afraid to let go

strip away the wallpaper
break away the tiles
can i see what you see
underneath your guise

i apologise for the madness
my inability to try
forgive the unintentional
need to make you cry

all is lost when i realise
that beyond is not what can be seen
living in a world a myriad of faces
judged by only a smile

how can i begin to overcome
this perception in my mind
that more can be found inside a sunken ship
than what the exterior declares

--------------------------------------------

deflected off the right path
the correct path
the path intended for me

reflected in my heart
the vision meant to be
the truth i cannot see

clinging to my memories
holding on to sweeter times
living in my past
the land of my pain
the land of my joy

my past is where i live
my present is where it's hard to survive
and my future...

more so difficult to see
going anywhere but down

tbc...